French bug Hague

15.02.35: GOVERNMENT documents released today reveal that John Redwood and William Hague were both bugged by the French police while on an official visit to Paris in 2005.

The covert action was authorised by an unnamed official keen to derail Hague's anti-European government who had been inspired by MI5's plot against Harold Wilson in the 1970s. The decision to place listening devices in the suites they occupied at the Hotel Crillon seems to have been based on the hope that their conversations would reveal their marriages to be a refuge of anti-Gallic sentiment. But judging by the transcripts, the surveillance teams must have struggled to stay awake.

This is a typical exchange between the Hagues:
WILLIAM: Could you pass the butter, darling?
FFION: Yes, of course, my love. (Pause. Clatter of silverware. Sigh.)
W: You mustn't let me forget to buy some perfume for Auntie Margery.
F: Oh, William, let me do that for you. Don't you remember? The cat was sick after that last bottle you bought for her.
W: True. Fruit, darling?
F: Mmmm. Is it me, William, or do bananas simply taste better here?
W: You're right. But don't they get them from the same place we do?
F: Perhaps it's how they store them.
W: Interesting point.
F: Do you mind if I take the first bath?
W: Course not, go ahead. (Rustle as Ffion stands up.)
W: And, oh, Ffion...
F: Yes, darling?
W: Could you leave the bananas here, please...

The Redwoods hit no high spots either, with endless talk of pensions reform and ear surgery.